The Manly Diary Of Dean Winchester
by yaoigirl22
Summary: I wasn't sure what shocked me more, that my brother and Angel were together, or that Cas topped. It's Back!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

**Warnings: Slash! **

**A/N: Welcome to The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester! Though I think the word diary overthrows manly, I tried to tell Dean, but then he got a little trigger happy. Anyway you're invited to join him as he finds himself becoming a third-wheel, a consular, etc, and seeing more of his brother then he wanted or needed to see.**

**The setting takes place after 05X09.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary Of Dean Winchester<strong>

_**Entry One: I wasn't sure what shocked me more, that my brother and Angel were together, or that Cas topped. **_

A flutter of wings was his only warning before he found himself lifted and thrown onto the bed, landing with a soft thud, he barely had time to roll over onto his back when lips pressed hard against his, with a moan he opened his mouth and tongue rushed in mapping, _**claiming**_. Hands tugged and pulled at his clothes until they were off, and he laid naked underneath his lover, those same hands roamed over his body making him hot all over, kisses were trailed down his jaw to his neck.

A mewl escaped his lips when his neck was nip, and licked at his body limp when his lover sucked on a sensitive spot, lips went lower pulling in a harden bud into a hot wet mouth and suckled on it.

He gasp and arched into the mouth, one of his hands coming up and tangling itself in the short dark soft hair, he moaned his lover's name when teeth tugged on the nipple.

"Please" he whimpered.

His lover teased his nipple pulling away to play with the other one, going back between the two until they were both sore and red, then a tongue went down licking and nuzzling bare skin sometimes bite hard to leave marks, he whimpered when his legs were lifted and spread, moaning when his inner thighs were nipped, licked and sucked at, sure to leave more marks.

A wet finger pressed at his hole –he had long stop trying figure how his lover was able to lube his fingers so quickly-, he groaned when it slowly pushed in, now sooner did the first finger pull out, a second finger joined it, causing him to moan at the burn that was a mix of pain and pleasure. The two fingers moved in and out of him, brushing against that spot that had him moaning and withering, a third one had him thrusting back against them, until he was begging his lover to fill him.

He gave as soft moan of protest when the fingers pulled out, moaning when his mouth was covered again by his lover, tongue playing with his as his legs were lifted and placed over shoulders. The head of the hard cock pushed inside of him, kept pushing until his lover was deep inside him.

He arched when hips moved, pushing in deep and hard, mouth going to his neck sucking, he mewled, moaned, and gasped as he was brought closer to, his lover pushing in harder and impossibly deeper, hitting that spot that sent burst of pleasure through him.

"Yes" he moans, crying out when a hand wrapped its way around his throbbing cock, stroking in time with the thrusts until he coming all over the hand, his lover came sometime after groaning softly around the neck he was sucking on.

"Samuel"

Sam opened his eyes, not realizing he had closed them in the first place, and smiled up at Castiel.

"Hi" Sam said.

Castiel gave the faintest of smiles and leaned down to nuzzle the mark he made on Sam's neck, Sam hummed and titled his head to give the Angel more access, running one hand through short soft hair, the other running down shoulder blades.

Cas gave a soft hum, and kissed the skin, before lifting his head to give butterfly kisses to his human, neither hearing the door click and open.

"Sa—Oh my God!"

Both turned their heads to the door, to see Dean staring at them eyes wide, mouth hanging open.

"Uh, hey Dean" Sam squeaked, his cheeks red with embarrassment.

THUD!

"I believe that could have gone much worse" Castiel said looking at his now unconscious charge.

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><p>"Here"<p>

Dean lifted his head, he stared at the glass before taking it and downed it, he held it out for more to which Sam gave.

Silence.

Sam was sitting on his bed, the same bed where Cas and his brother…Oh God the imagines!

Sam winced at the soft almost whimper that escaped his brother, the older man had his head bowed, empty glass clenched tightly in his hand. He glanced over at his lover who was seated next to him almost protectively, watching his brother.

"Y-Y-You a-a-a….." Dean trialed off his voice tight making him squeak.

"Yeah" Sam answered.

"H-H-H-H…"

"Couple of months"

"Five months, two weeks, six days, thirteen hours, twelve minutes, and fifteen seconds" Castiel spoke up, Sam blinked at him, before going to look back at his brother.

Without lifting his head, Dean held out his glass, Sam filled it and still with his head bowed Dean downed it on one gulp, Sam thought it to be an amazing feat, and he would have said so if he wasn't worried his brother would lose it.

Silence.

"Dean?"

Dean grunted.

"…You okay?"

Dean blinked, was he okay? Was he okay!

"No I'm not okay!" he snapped lifting his head.

Both Sam and the Angel tensed.

"Dude I just saw you and Cas GAH!"

The two watched the blonde pace, mumbling to himself, his eye occasionally twitching, neither the Angele or Hunter said anything, just watching the man pace. Finally Dean stopped and turned to them.

"Are you two..you….. know….happy?"

They both nodded.

"Okay" Dean sighed, then sat down.

"Okay?" Sam asked surprised.

"Okay"

Sam blinked, then "Okay"

Castiel just stared, then decided Humans were just strange before his attention was taken by the television when Dean turned it on, soon Myth Busters kept their attention.

"Soooo" Dean spoke up during a commercial, "who tops?"

"Dean!"

Dean did so enjoy seeing his brother turn red like that.

"I do"

Dean was pretty sure Castiel looked to that smug from him.

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><p><strong><em>Reveiw Please!<em>**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

**Warning: Slash**

**A/N: I'm so glad everyone like this! And Happy Thanksgiving!**

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary Of Dean Winchester<strong>

**_Entry 2: Angels Are Cuddle-Sluts._**

Now that he was aware of his brother and Angel's….relationship, Castiel apparently thought it was appropriate to appear whenever he wanted to and _**cuddle**_with his brother Right. In front. Of. Him, and his geeky brother doesn't even try to stop it!

He didn't even know Cas liked to cuddle!

He suppose it was just the older brother in him that was annoyed on the fact that Cas was in a relationship with his brother, and anyone man or woman was never good enough for his brother to be in a relationship with, one night flings, sure, relationships? They'd have to get through him and his arsenal.

Jessica would probably have been the expectation.

"Dean?"

Green eyes looked away from where they were glaring at the Angel sitting next to his brother reading a book he had picked up when they went to look up Basilisks at the library.

"What?" he asked.

"You alright?" Sam asked his brother, Castiel looked up from his book, stared at Dean before going back to the book.

"Fine, found anything yet?"

"Nothing, what about you Cas? What did you find?"

"That position number twenty-two looks mildly painful"

Both brothers blinked, looked at each other than back at the Angel, both reading the title of the book.

"Cas, are you reading the Kuma Sutra?" Sam asked his lover.

"Yes"

"Why?"

"And why did a public library have it on their shelves?" Dean asked.

"I have heard that it enhances couple's sexual experience" Castiel answered, before showing his lover a page in the book, "Sam may we try this one?"

Dean wondered what life would be like with a permanently red-faced brother.

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><p>"Seriously?"<p>

"Hush, Sam is sleeping"

"Yea in _**my**_bed"

"It was closer"

Dean growled at him and went over to the other bed and after a carful inspection sat down on it, he glanced at the two, who were thankful covered.

He still couldn't understand how Cas topped when he was the little spoon most of the time.

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><p>"Cas?"<p>

"Yes Sam?"

"You're doing this on purpose aren't you?"

Cas looked at his lover who was laying his head on his chest, Dean had left sometime later when Cas had appeared and proceed to cuddle with Sam.

"Perhaps" Castiel answered.

Sam snickered, giving an unmanly squeal when he was rolled over onto his back, and a mouth latched onto his neck.

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><p><strong><em>Reveiw Please! And once again Happy Thanksgiving!<em>**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

**Warnings: Slash, sex, Dean losing whats left of his sanity. **

**A/N: Thank you all for reading and reviewing, it s made me very happy that this story is being well recieved!**

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary Of Dean Winchester<strong>

_**Entry 3: I'm pretty sure Angels being possessive is not allowed, or hold grudges, but it's not stopping Castiel.**_

Someone was going to die.

That was what Dean kept thinking over and over again as he watched Cas glare daggers at the woman who was shamelessly flirting with his brother. The Angel even growled- freakin growled! - when the woman touched Sam's arm.

And here Dean thought they all could have a nice night of hustling honest men out of their money, what in the world had he been thinking?

While Dean was contemplating when did his life go wrong, Castiel was trying to keep hold of his temper, a feat he was finding hard the more that woman kept flirting (he's seen Dean do said flirting enough that he could tell) and touching _**his **_human.

His hand twitched when the woman touched his Sam again, the desire to pull Sam away from the other human and claim him in front of everyone, though Castiel got the impression that Dean wouldn't take it well.

Blue eyes narrowed when the woman leaned forward, giving Sam an impressive sight of her cleavage, before bringing her mouth closer to his ear, whatever she said made Sam blush, and Castiel's control snap.

Dean watched in horror as Castiel stood and made his way over to the two humans, the Hunter briefly wondered if he should bring out the Holy Oil.

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><p>Sam wasn't sure what happen.<p>

One minute he was talking to Sandy, who admittedly was a bit touchy…and kinky (though not as kinky as Cas) then the next he was being pulled to a warm body and Sandy was looking like the wrath a God had just descended upon her.

And considering how Cas was growling and glaring at her, Sam wasn't too far off.

"Um…" Sandy said hesitantly.

"This human is mine" Castiel growled.

In the background Dean groaned.

"But—"

Castiel pulled Sam closer, he suddenly he felt a tug in his stomach and the last thing he heard was his brother yelling "Not in my bed!" before he found himself in their hotel room.

"Cas—!"

Sam yelped his back was nearly slammed into the wall, a hot lips harshly pressed into his, hands ripping off his clothes.

"Cas" Sam gasped against the mouth, hands pushing at the unmoving chest in hopes to get a moment to figure out what was going on. Castiel's tongue pushed between his lips and mapped out the inside of the human's mouth, pulling back when Sam started to become light-headed, dipping his head to suck on the curve of Sam's neck.

"Mine" the Angel growled, biting skin hard enough to leave a mark.

Sam mewled.

Hands grabbed his hips and lifted, and long legs automatically wrapped around a small waist (Cas was the only one who could lift him and screw him against the wall).

The Angel lowered his head located a nipple and suckled, Sam moaned, gasping when Castiel's clothed cock rubbed against his naked one, he pulled his lover closer, mewling when the thrusting grew faster and harder, until he was piratical being humped against. He was vaguely aware of Castiel releasing his nipple and nuzzled his neck, his raspy voice growling _"mine, mine, mine, mine"_.

"Cas" Sam whimpered as he came all over the Angel's clothes.

Several hard thrust later Castiel came as well, the Angel slumping forward, and for some moments there was nothing but soft panting.

"So" Sam said once his voice was able to work again, "care to tell me what that was about?"

Castiel shifted in slight embarrassment for his lack of control over his emotions, but didn't let his human down or remove he face from Sam's neck.

"She was touching you" the Angel admitted, and was slightly surprised at how his voice sounded a bit childish.

Sam blinked, then gave a low chuckle when it clicked, he didn't think Angels could get possessive, not that it mattered, a possessive Castiel was hot.

"Why are you amused?" Castiel asked lifting his head.

"No reason" Sam said, grin on his face, the grin growing when the Angel narrowed his eyes.

"Really it's nothing, so wanna do a round two in the bed?"  
>Castiel continued to stare, sure he was being laughed at from some reason, before the thought of more sex won over his suspicion.<p>

"This is Dean's bed you know" Sam said after he was dumped onto the mattress.

"I am aware" Castiel said as he stripped.

"You know he's going to pissed"

"I am aware"

"This the fourth time you've done this"

"I am aware"

"Should I be worried about this new obsession with having sex in my brother's bed?"

"I have still not forgiven him taking me to The Den Of Iniquity"

Sam laughed, that laugh turning into a surprised yelp when his legs were lifted and spread.

Some hours later, Dean came back, he took one look at his brother and Angel cuddled up together, his right eye twitched, he then closed the door and went to see if there was another room available.

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><p><em><strong>Review Please!<strong>_


	4. Chapter 4

**The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester**

**Entry 4: Angel have an amazing stamina….don't ask me how I know.**

It stared at 5pm; Dean had decided to do a night in and turn in early (and get Sam off his back about not getting enough sleep), instead of hitting the nearest bar, he just finished watching Mission Impossible when he heard it. At first he wasn't sure he heard it right, thought it was his imagination, then he heard it again followed by moan and a name.

"_Cas"_

"Oh god!" Dean groaned as the headboard on the other side of the wall banged again, followed by his brother's whimper. "I got two rooms for a reason!" he then shouted at the wall where it was coming from.

There was silence.

Then the banging resumed in a faster tempo, and Sam moans and gasp got louder (High pitched even, oooh Dean was so going to tease the hell out of his brother once he was no longer traumatized), Dean was sure the Angel was doing it on purpose.

Fine then, two could play that game.

Now with determination Dean sat down on his bed and turned up volume on the television.

**10pm**

"_Cas, harder, harder, yesss!"_

Dean groaned as he pulled the pillow over his head, trying to muffle out the sounds going on, it didn't help, in fact it made it worst.

Dean jumped when there was suddenly his brother let out a loud wail and then silence.

"_Finally" _the Hunter thought with a sigh, maybe now he could sleep.

His eyes closed and his breathing started to even.

"_Ah!"_

Dean's eyes popped open.

**2am**

"_Please, Cas"_

"_Say my name again" _

"_Cas" _

"_Again!"_

"_Castiel!"_

Nine hours, nine freaking hours!

"Damn it Cas!" Dean growled as he banged on the wall, "I'm letting you fuck my brother, the least you could do is let me sleep!"

Sam's cries got louder, as did the banging, and Dean started looking for the holy oil.

**The next morning.**

Sam came out his room with an obvious limp and refused to look at his older brother though-out breakfast, said older brother who had red tired eyes glared at the smug looking Angel sitting next to Sam.

"Is something wrong Dean?" Castiel asked with that damn smug on his face.

"Yes, there's a problem!" Dean snapped, "you screwing my brother!"

"Dean!"

"I thought you were fine with Sam and I relationship"

"Not when I can hear it and for NINE hours straight!"

The two women across them looked at Sam with envy and jealousy, Sam wanted the floor to eat him.

"Angels have very high stamina" Castiel explained.

"No shit!"

"Dean!"

"Sam enjoys it"

"Cas!"

"Um excuse me"

All three eyes looked up, it was the two women from across from them.

"Um we were wondering if you have any straight single brothers" One of the girls asked the Angel.

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><p><strong><em>Review Please!<em>**


	5. Chapter 5

**The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester **

**Entry 5: Cas is so whipped. **

Cas had been in the dumps lately mostly because the search for God wasn't going to well, so as luck would have it there was a Fair going on in the town they were currently staying in. Both Hunters thought it would cheer up the Angel, of course neither would admit it was an excuse for them to go.

Blue eyes stared at the bright colors and loud attraction with curiosity.

"So, where do you want to start?" Dean asked, eyeing the food stands.

"Let's start walk around until we find something of interest" Sam suggested.

"Sam there is a walking Elephant giving out strange floating objects to children, shall I kill it?"

Both boys looked over to see an employee dressed as an elephant giving out balloons.

"No, its safe, just an attraction for kids" Dean said.

"What are the objects that it's giving to the children?"

"They're called balloons" Sam said.

"I want one…why are you looking at me like that?"

After getting a bright orange balloon from the somewhat bewildered Elephant, the three walked, stopping when Castiel found something of interest and ignoring the strange looks they receive thanks to the Angel's balloon, it took some time for them to convince the Angel to enter the some of the fun houses, and even more to convince him to get on the all rides, though they stirred clear of the most intense ones for now.

"Are you sure it's not a really elephant ear?" Castiel asked as he looked down at the food he was sharing with his human, bright balloon tied to his wrist, He had let it go accidently five times and after retrieving it the fifth time, Dean had tied in on his wrist.

"Yes Cas" Sam chuckled, before taking a piece and popping it in his mouth, to his right Dean was on his third one.

The Angel looked back down at the food they called an Elephant Ear, it was golden brown and covered in white powder, when they had ordered it Castiel had been horrified at the thought of eating one of his father's creation, his lover had quickly reassured him that it wasn't animal parts, the Angel wasn't convinced.

"Just try it Cas" Dean said as he licked his fingers of the white powder.

Hesitantly Cas broke off a piece, put it in his mouth and chewed.

Sam chuckled when Cas expression went from horrid anticipation to wonder and delight. Laughing when the Angel then started to devour the thing.

"Good thing Angel's don't choke" Dean said watching the Angel.

"May I have more?" Castiel asked once he was finished, looking pleadingly at his lover and Dean, Dean snorted but got up to get another one leaving the two alone.

"I was thinking we do a rollercoaster after this, Dean really wants to see if he still had his iron stomach"

"Dean's intestines are made of iron?"

"Figure of speech"

"Ah"

Castiel then blinked when he noticed a smudge of white powder on the corners of Sam's face, without hesitation he leaned forward and licked it off, and while he didn't understand why his lover looked at him in surprise and with an adorable blush he didn't mind, and decided to do it more often.

"Oh come on you guys, there are children here!"

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><p>"No"<p>

"Come on Cas, it's perfectly safe"

"No"

"We'll be right there with you"

"No"

Both boys sighed, while the Angel glared at the rollercoaster as though it was Satan himself.

"It'll be fun, promise" Dean tried.

"No"

"Come on Cas, please? For me?" Sam asked.

Dean watched as Castiel took one look at Sam's begging face (read: Puppy-dog eyes of doom) and his shoulder's slumped in defeat.

"Fine"

Twenty minutes later, Cas discovered he did in fact like roller coasters, that balloons got in the way a lot when you going really really fast at an angle, and Dean did have an iron stomach.

Dean discovered that he did have an iron stomach, that Cas liked roller coasters, he also concluded after he watched his brother thank the Angel for going on the ride with them and said Angel gave a please smile, that Castiel was so whipped.

The Clown that was there learned not to sneak up on tall hunters who had not only had a clown phobia, but had an over-protective Angel as a lover and was willingly to use its Angel-sword.

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><p><strong><em>Reveiw Please!<em>**


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Hey everyone! Here's another one, this one is set during 99 Problems.**_

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester <strong>

**Entry 6: Since when did I become a Couple Counselor?**

"Sam is upset with me"

Dean looked over the Angel on the bench, head bowed, hands cradling the bottle of Aspirin he had tossed to him earlier.

"He will not talk to me"

"Well if my boyfriend called me an abomination I wouldn't speak with him either"

Castiel winced at the reminder of the cruel words he said hours ago, of course at that time they hadn't sounded cruel.

"I do not think a mere apology will work" he then said.

"Given the circumstances it actually might"

Dean really didn't think so, after all there was a reason why alcohol was called the Liquid of Truth and judging from the way Cas was looking, the Angel knew as well.

"Look" Dean then sighed, "Sam is the type of person who's quick to forgive, not only that but he loves you, and when that kid loves, he loves hard"

Castiel's shot up, blue eyes wide in surprise, Dean stared back equally surprised.

"Are you serious? But I thought—I mean—you two—"

"I always assumed he merely had…strong feelings for me"

Dean groaned and resisted the urge to smack the Angel upside the hand, then go back into the room and smack his broth as well, instead he took a calming breathe.

"Okay look, Sam loves you and I mean want to make little Sammy hybrids love you"

"I do not think—"

"Shut up I'm talking"

Castiel closed is mouth.

Dean then took another breathe, and continued on, "and I know you love him"

"How—"

"Didn't I say shut up? Anyway, so I suggest you tell him, apologize and have make-up sex, and not in that order….and not in front of the Priest, don't think he can handle that, I can barely handle that"

Castiel blinked then stared at him, Dean stared back, use to the staring contest that the Angel seem to enjoy having with him (The Angel did it with his brother too, but he was pretty sure they were having eye-sex, so he rather not think about it), then in a flutter of wings the Angel flew off.

Moments later there was a yelp from inside the hotel room. Dean smiled and chuckled, and for a moment everything was back to normal….but only for a moment.

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><p><strong><em>Sorry it's so short.<em>**

**_Reveiw Please!_**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This is the last chapter, yes I know short right? But don't worry, I'm typing a prequel/sequel on how Sammy and Cas got togethar. So look out for that. **

**This takes place during Swan Song and a little of Season 6. **

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><p><strong>The Manly Dairy of Dean Winchester <strong>

**Entry 7: My Brother and Angel**

"It's a good plan"

"But you don't like it"

"No" came the answer, the arms around his waist tighten.

"Cas" Sam sighed, "if we had another plan, I'd take it in a minute, but we don't"

"It does not mean I have to like it" Castiel said hiding his face in his lover's neck, and if Sam didn't know any better he'd think the Angel was pouting, "we could always make Dean do it"

Sam rolled his eyes in half- amusement and half-exasperation, "Still a little bitter?" Sam asked.

"No, just slightly annoyed" Castiel answered.

"Of course you are" Note the sarcasm.

Castiel shifted and rolled Sam over onto his back, he hovered over the human, stared at him and then kissed him.

"Much can go wrong with this plan" The Angel then said when he pulled away.

"True, just as much could go right" Sam said then pulled him back down for another kiss.

Castiel pulled away and then clung to his human.

From the doorway Dean stared before walking away.

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><p>He could see it, could see how much they both wanted to cling to the other, to say the hell with it and get out of dodge.<p>

"Take care of these guys, okay?"

"That's not possible."

"Then humor me."

"Oh. I was supposed to lie. (chuckles) Uh... sure. They'll be fine, I..."

"Just-just stop... talking."

He could see it, and it hurts to watch.

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><p>He learned much from Sam and Dean, learned much from being human those few days he was human, but there were two things that stayed with him even after he became an Angel again.<p>

Love.

Love for a man who his brothers, and sisters and even him at one point thought dirty, tainted, unable to be save. For a man who saved them all, for a man who loved him at his weakest.

Love for a man he missed, for a man he wanted to hold again. To love again.

Selfishness, to want that man again, to bring him back to his brother and to him, he wanted so much, he was surprised he hadn't started to fall again.

Especially when he agreed to team-up with a demon, the demon who promised not only to help him win the war, but help bring back the human he loved.

**END**

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><p><strong><em>Review Please!<em>**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural!**

**A/N: Hey everyone it's back! You guys can thank my friend who read this and threaten my person if I didn't make more chapters, so say thank you to "K" lol.**

**Anywho's if anyone is reading this, this chapter takes place during S6E3, S6E7, S6E10 and S6E11.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester<strong>

**Chapter 8: It Continues. Also Cas stole Dean's diary. **

"So that's Sam, big...bet he's fun to climb"

Castiel looked away from the two humans to his brother, who looked back with a playful grin.

"Balthazar" he warned.

"No worries" Balthazar said, holding up his hands in surrender, "I know not to touch"

"That remains to be seen" Castiel dryly said.

Balthazar smirked before he flutters away leaving his brother alone to watch the Winchesters drive off, and with his thoughts.

Ever since he was raised from Hell, Sam had been….different. He didn't know what it was and he was ashamed to admit it was one of the reasons why he didn't response to any of his lover's prayers; the other reason was because he didn't want Sam to find out about his…deal, and the other was part anger at the fact that his lover was cheating on him. So he ignored Sam's prayers, ignored Dean's. Made half-truth excuses when asked (well demanded).

And now…and now.

"Castiel"

The Angel looked at his sister, Rachael.

"The others are waiting"

"_And now I must deal with Raphael" _

When he saw Sam again, his human was unconscious tied to a chair face swollen, bloodied, and busied, Dean was pacing the floor, glaring at his brother.

"Dean" the Angel greeted.

"Cas"

"Why is Sam tied to a chair?"

"Well if you answered any of my prayers you would know!" Dean snapped.

Castiel glared at him, and moved forward, stopping when he heard Sam groan, he turned his head to the human and moved closer, Dean behind him.

"What happen?" Castiel then asked.

Dean explained, once done Sam was just gaining consciousness.

"Did you do this?" Castiel asked, biting back the anger when Dean nodded.

"Cas?" Sam groaned, giving a slight grunt Cas pulled back his eye lid to examine it.

"Let me go" Sam protested weakly.

"Has he been feverish?" Cas asked.

"Have you?" Dean demanded.

"No" Sam answered bewildered, "why?"

"He's been speaking in tongues" the Angel asked Dean then turned back to Sam "have you been speaking in tongues?"

"No" Sam answered, even more bewildered, looking down when Cas placed his fingers on his collarbone, "what are you—are you _**diagnosing **_me?"

"You better hope he can" Dean said coldly.

"Do you really think this is nec—?"

"What do you think there is some kind of clinic for people who just pop out of Hell all wrong?" Dean snapped, "he asks, you answer, got that?"

Sam gave a soft sigh but said nothing else.

"How much do you sleep?" Cas asked taking his hand away, looking a little grave as he was starting to get an idea of what was wrong with his human, but it couldn't be _**that**_, Sam had been in the cage with Michael and Lucifer, there were many things that could be wrong with him besides _**that**_.

"I don't" Sam said after a moment's hesitation.

"At all?" Dean asked looking slightly surprised.

Sam nodded, "Not since I got back" he said and Cas became graver, dread slowly seeping into his grace, barely hearing Dean's next question and Sam's answer.

"What?" Dean then asked when the Angel looked at him.

"Sam" Cas asked, looking back at the younger Hunter, "what are you feeling right now?'

"Well I feel like my nose is broken" Sam huffed.

"No, that's a physical sensation, how do you feel?"

"I think—"

"_**Feel**_"

"I—don't know"

Castiel stared at him, this—this couldn't be, no, he was wrong! But if it was then… only one way to be sure….Castiel glanced once again at Dean as he undid his belt.

"Umm" Sam said nervously, grunting when the leather was pushed into his mouth.

Castiel blocked out Sam's muffled screams as his hand entered the Hunter's body, his grace nearly shattered with grief at what he felt, he pulled out, and it was hard to look Dean into eyes when he spoke.

"He's soul is missing"

Missing, gone! His Sam's soul was still in the cage with Michael and Lucifer, being tortured, he had failed.

The kiss with Meg was one-part anger towards Sam and one part at trying to make Sam jealous…he's not sure if it worked. Regardless the plan was more or less successful and Castiel soon found himself back in Heaven, looking for Balthazar, fighting Raphael and his army.

Occasionally he would hear a call from Dean but ignored it; he also ignored the rather choice words Dean sent when the Hunter realized the Angel wasn't coming.

Then Dean found a way to return Sam's soul, and the hope he felt quickly in his grace demised to worry and anger, how _**dare**_ Dean do something so dangerous! Who knows what's been done to Sam down in the cage? How damaged Sam will be.

"If you wanted to kill your brother you should have done it outright!" Cas snapped at his friend, he barely heard Dean's responses before he flew away, he wasn't going to stay and seeing his lover in a possible damaged state, beating down the guilt he felt inside.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Here's the next chapter! **

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary Of Dean Winchester <strong>

**Chapter 9: Cas still has my diary.**

The moment he touched Sam's soul, for the first time in his Angelic life time Castiel wanted to cry, to scream at his Father, his siblings, Dean, even himself and Sam, because they did this. This once beautiful soul, so bright and pure, was….broken, beyond repair, beyond_** his**_ reach.

"Sam" He said when he removed his hand, voice cracking with emotions he had thought he lost when he regained his grace, then again Sam always had a way of making him do the seemly impossible.

"Sam" he said again, his hands coming up to caress the lacked face, taking in the warmth, hoping that Sam opened his eyes, and prayed to his Father that he didn't.

When he finally left the panic room he barely kept his temper with Dean, flying away back to Heaven, throwing himself deep into the war against Raphael.

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><p>When Castiel got the prayer from Sam stating that he was back, his grace glowed in relief, and love, quickly he found himself descending to earth, and into the hotel where Sam and Dean were staying in. For a moment he just stared, and when Sam turned towards him his breathe, breathe he no longer needed, hitched.<p>

Big hazel eyes filled with warmth and emotions, no blank looks or insanity.

"Sam" he greeted, his voice wavering for a moment, as Sam stood, "it's so good to see you alive"

"Yeah you too" Sam said softly, eyes full of relief.

He moved and opened his arms to hug his human, and felt just a small hint of hurt when Sam quickly sat down,

"Um I would hug you, I would, but—"

"It would be awkward" Castiel finished for him, turning away.

After all both had more or less been separated from each other for a full year, not to mention the adultery both had commit, though Castiel suppose he was more guilty then Sam, all things considering.

"Ah" Sam started nervously, "crazy year huh? I just talked to Bobby and he told me everything that happen"

"Frankly I'm surprised you survived" the Angel said, "I was begging Dean not to do it"

"Yeah, I can understand that"

"It's a miracle it didn't kill you"

Castiel tilted his head at the surprised look on Sam's face and wondered what exactly Bobby said.

"Yeah" Sam then said after a moment's hesitation, "it's a miracle alright"

There was an moment's pause, then "So how does it feel?"

"What?" Sam asked.

"To have your soul back of course"

The look on Sam's face told Castiel that Bobby and Dean didn't tell Sam the whole truth.

"Really good Cas" Sam finally said, "know what I'm hazy on some of the details though, do you think maybe you could walk me through?"

Castiel knew the best thing was to say no, to deny his Sam that request, to protect the fragile Wall that was keeping Sam sane…..but Sam had been lied to his whole life, truths had been held from him or misshaped to fit other's need, and Castiel had made a promise to never lie to Sam when they started their relationship. A relationship the Angel wasn't sure they had anymore.

Castiel sat down and answered Sam's questions.

* * *

><p>Neither of the Winchester brothers called him down this time, to be honest the War in Heaven was on pause, after finally getting the weapons from the vault Raphael had gone into hiding. Castiel was sure his older brother was rethinking his strategies.<p>

"Damn it Cas!"

Sam looked away from the television, he snickered as Dean exited the bathroom in nothing but a towel, Castiel behind him headed titled, both were wet.

"I do not understand" Castiel said.

"Dude, you appeared in the shower!"

"I did"

"While I was still showering!"

"I did"

"I was still _**naked**_"

"Should I be worried about that?" Sam asked amused.

Castiel looked sharply at him surprised, Sam hadn't mentioned anything about their relationship and whether or not they would resume it, Dean rolled his eyes as he went inside duffle to get his clothes.

"You're going to watch me change too?" Dean asked, as he got his cloths out.

"You are not Sam" Castiel said, watching out of the corner of his eye at Sam's reaction.

"Too much information Cas" Dean mumbled, giving an amused glance at his now blushing brother.

After dressing, Dean grabbed his keys, "I'm going out" he said heading for the door, "don't go anywhere near my bed!"

"Jerk" Sam said, not looking at either Angel or his brother.

"Bitch" Dean retorted as the door closed behind him.

Once alone, there was an awkward silence.

"So uh, what brings you here Cas?"

Castiel gave shrug and sat down next to the Hunter, and stared at the television, titling his head curiously at the sight of the human on the television getting suck in the dryer.

"How did she even get in there?" he asked.

"I have no idea, but I think alcohol was involved" Sam said.

"That explains much"

Sam snorted then there was more silence, this one less awkward.

"Sam" Castiel then sighed, "I mmph!"

The Angel remained frozen in surprise; he expected much of this night with the Winchesters, kissing was not it.

"Uh" Sam said nervously when he pulled away, eye flickering with hurt and disappointment for a moment, "sorry I—"

Sam never got to finish his sentence as Castiel pounced, lips claiming his roughly, tongue pushing into his mouth.

"Cas" Sam whimpered against the Angel's mouth.

Castiel growled, and Sam gave a surprise grunt when his back suddenly met the mattress, he mewled when his neck was suddenly nipped, and sucked on, leaving marks. His hands working the Angel's trench coat off, once it was gone Sam worked on the other clothes, his task interrupted when his shirt was all but ripped off.

Castiel moved down Sam's neck until he came to a harden nipple, he suckled on it, making it harden and Sam keen.

"Please Cas" Sam moaned, foreplay was nice and all, but it's been so long, not to mention the things he did with others while without a soul, not that Dean or Cas told him, he pretty figured it out on his own after that case in Rhode Island. The point was, he wanted to fell like he belonged to Cas again.

Luckily either Castiel felt the same way or he understood what Sam wanted, because suddenly the young Hunter found himself naked underneath an equally naked Angel. Lubed fingers trialed down the crack of his ass, Sam winced when he was slowly breeched.

Castiel slowly worked Sam opened, his grace fluttering with possessiveness at the tightness around his fingers, it meant that no other had been with Sam like this, a loud moan brought the Angel away from his thoughts, and it took a moment for him to realized he had found the human's prostate. With an almost smirk, the Angel pressed his fingers against it again.

"Please" Sam begged after minutes of teasing, his eyes locking with the Angel's, telling everything, how sorry he was for betraying him, how he treated him, and everything else he did in the past year.

"Please" Sam said again, voice softer, "Please Castiel, make me yours again"

Castiel's grace glowed at the request, with one thrust he buried himself inside his human, giving a soft groan at the tightness and heat, he buried his face into Sam's neck, underneath him Sam arched. Soon it was blur of intense pleasure, as Castiel claimed Sam, growling _"mine, mine, mine" _into the Hunter's neck, and Sam gasping, moaning, and clinging to the Angel.

When they came it was together.

"Sam" Castiel said moments of just panting, and laying on top of said human.

"Yes" Sam panted underneath him.

"I've missed you"

Sam smiled, "I've missed you too" he said kissing the Angel.

"Aw that's sweet"

Eyes swirled to the smirking Angel that appeared in the middle of the room.

"Balthazar" Castiel sighed, "what do you want?"

"You ran off little brother, to be naughty I see" Balthazar smirked; Sam blushed when the Angel leered at him.

Castiel growled at his brother and shifted to cover his lover's body.

"Really Cas? I can't even look?"

"No"

"Aw come on"

All heads turned to the door, where Dean stood.

"Welcome back Dean" Castiel said.

"It's not want it looks like" Sam said.

"Cas won't let me look" Balthazar complained with a bit of a pout.

Dean blinked, then sighed, "At least it wasn't in my bed"

"Um can I put some cloths on now?"

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><p><strong><em>Review Please!<em>**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

**A/N: Hey everyone, now I'm sure by now you all know THIS, but just in case, here's what's happening. , are now deciding that they want to get serious about they're ratings, and are banning anything that had serious voilence, sex, etc. And deleting many accounts and stories.**

**A peition has been made, here:** **www. change . [org] / petitions / fanfiction - net - stop - the - destruction - of - fanfiction - net, just take out the spaces. **

**Sign it please! We can't let them do this, especially since this paritcular rule has never been enforced before. And if by any chance I'm or any of my stories are deleted I have a livejournal: moonlite 29 . livejournal . com. I'm currently working on it, but I assure you that's where you'll be able to find me, should that happen.**

**Also I would like to ask, what other fandom would you guys like me to write, if you've looked at my profile, you'll see I've done Harry Potter, Ninja Turtles, Being Human (US), Justice League, Young Justice, Supernatural, X-Men, NCIS, and I'm currently working on Avatar: The Last Airbender. **

**Any requests or prompts? **

**P.S. I will not do Twilght, sorry guys, but the sparkling vampires just turned me off. **

**Now on with the show!**

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary Of Dean Winchester<strong>

** Entry 10: Cas still has my dairy, the bastard, and now Sammy's in on it too, also apparently older brothers are a pain in the ass (according to Sammy and Cas). Angels also know how to milk an injure. **

Dean took in the Angel cocooned in bundles of blankets on the bed.

"You are so milking this" Dean smirked.

Blue eyes glared at him from their cocoon of blankets, just as Sam came back with water, he stopped short at seeing the Angel's glare and his brother's amused smirk.

"Dean" Sam said a warning in his tone.

Dean held his hands up in surrender, snickering as he left, possibly to work on the phoenix ash, Sam rolled his eyes before entering the room and going over to his lover's side, placing the glass of water on the dresser.

"Feeling better?" Sam asked.

Castiel nodded, he had actually felt better hours ago, but rarely was he able to be cared for by Sam, to be..coddled like this, it was…nice, and he couldn't find the words to tell Sam that he was now well.

Sam smiled, before handing him the glass of water, after the Angel drank all of it, Sam crawled into his cocooned of blankets and cuddled against him.

Yes it was very nice.

* * *

><p>The Phoenix ash had been put on hold for a moment, when Bobby caught when of a hunt a town over, he had suggested the boys take it after he heard Dean cursing down in the basement for a fourth time, it was a simple salt and burn.<p>

Didn't even take two hours, and both brothers had agreed a drink was in order afterwards in celebration for an easy job for once, Castiel had popped up sometime between Dean flirting with a slightly tipsy red-head, and Sam on his third beer.

That's when shit hit the fan.

"Are you out of your mind?" Sam snapped as he entered the hotel room he and his brother were staying in, his Angel lover behind him, gaze curious, no longer angry like before, the Angel then calmly sat down on their bed watching his human rant and rave, "what the hell were you thinking?".

"He was touching you" Castiel said.

"That doesn't give you the right to _**threw **_him into the wall!"

"You are mine"

Sam stopped his pacing and stared at the Angel in disbelief, to which Castiel responded with a tilt of the head.

"Are you serious?" the youngest Winchester finally said, "I can't believe this" he then said when the Angel nodded.

"Why are you upset?" Castiel then asked.

"Because this is the _**third**_ time you've done this" Sam said with a sigh.

"They should not have—"

"I know! The point is, this isn't like you at all Cas"

"I do not understand"

"I know you're possessive, which makes for great sex I'll admit, but this is over the top. You can't keep doing this"

Castiel's eyes narrowed, "Doing what?" he asked, tone soft and there something else that made Sam shiver, but he didn't back down.

"Trying to hurt anyone that so much as looks at me!"

The Angel stood up and advanced towards his human, until he had said human's pressed against the wall.

"And why should I stop?" he asked voice deep in a growl, intense blue eyes nearly glowing, "you are _**mine**_ Samuel Winchester, and I will not tolerant anyone who tries to take you away from me!"

"Cas" Sam whimpered, "please, let go"

Castiel blinked, his eyes taking in his lover's pained face, slowly he looked down at his hand that was latched tightly on his lover's arm, quickly as though he touched fire he let go.

"I…apologize" he then said softly looking at his hand in slight surprise and shock, frowning when he looked at Sam's arm and saw a bruise.

"It's okay" Sam said softly, giving the Angel an unreadable look, as he rubbed his bruised arm "look..,Cas—"

"Am I interrupting something?"

Both Angel and human looked at Balthazar who had appeared in the middle of the room.

"No"

"Yes"

Balthazar raised an amused brow at the two, "Trouble in paradise?" he teased.

"What do you want Balthazar?" Castiel asked.

"You're needed upstairs"

Castiel gave a soft sigh, then looked at Sam, he didn't' want to leave, especially now, not when he had hurt his Sam, not to mention he's unusual reaction….then again perhaps not that all unusual, things have been so chaotic as of late.

"It's okay" Sam reassured giving a shaky smile, "go, you're needed"

Castiel ignored his brother's background teasing, as he stared at Sam with uncertainty, which just made Sam roll his eyes.

"_**Go!**_"

"You heard the wife Cas"

Sam glared at Balthazar, blushing when the Angel gave him a wink, and blew a kiss.

"Balthazar, let's go"

Said Angel tilted his head at the sudden cold tone of his brother, he looked at Sam who looked slightly confused but mostly concerned; with a shrug he followed his brother to Heaven. He gave a slight yelp when a hand was sudden around his throat.

"C-Cas?" he choked out, gripping the other's Angels hand that was wrapped around his throat.

"I'm reaching the end of my patience with your antics brother, Samuel is _**mine**_ and I will no longer tolerant your flirtation with him, understood?" Castiel snarled, hand tighten around the Angels throat.

"U-Understood" Balthazar wheezed, grunting when he was dropped.

"Good"

Balthazar watched his brother leave, wondering what the hell just happen.

* * *

><p>Sam knew why his brother was giving Castiel such a hard time, though the bruise had mostly faded, and when they were leaving the dinner, he pulled his brother aside.<p>

"Knock it off" he said to his brother.

"What?"

"Giving Cas a hard time, I know why you're doing it, so knock it off"

"Sam"

"Don't, what happen that night was between me and Cas"

"There shouldn't be a 'between you and Cas'!"

"So we're not allowed to have disagreements?"

"Yes, but not one that leave bruises all over you"

"It's only one, and it wasn't even on purpose!"

"It always starts with just one!"

Sam sighed, "Look Dean, I know you mean well, and I appreciate it, really I do, but you can't protect me every time me and Cas have a disagreement, and you _**can't**_ take it out on Cas."

Look on his brother's face told otherwise, and Sam resisted the urge to smack his brother upside the head on principle, instead he calmed himself before speaking again.

"Anyway we can finish this later; we still have to find Eve"

Dean looked like he wanted to argue some more but the importance of finding Eve seem to have won for now as he stomped over to the car, Sam watched him go, his right hand coming up to hold his left arm where the bruise was fading.

* * *

><p>Sam stared at the thing that used to be a Jefferson Starship (and his brother calls him a dork) in something that wasn't disbelief but wasn't exactly acceptance either. With this unknown emotion he followed his brother, and began to discuss what they were going to do next, forcing himself not to look at Castiel.<p>

After that it was a blur, of Eve, his mother, and emotions. In the end, he, Dean and Bobby stood alone in a house, his lover gone after learning that Crowley is alive, and his brother who throughout the whole thing was giving Cas such a hard time was now defending him against Bobby.

"What about you Sam?"

Sam looked at his brother, green eyes silently begging him to take his side, to prove him right, and Sam….wanted to, so badly he did, but…his mind flickered with pictures of that night at the hotel, to moments that had made him pause, made him doubt.

"_But Cas is your lover, your friend, the same one who's fighting a war, who's stressed and so tired" _came the voice in his head, _"he deserves to act a little odd now and then doesn't he? And that night in the hotel, a onetime thing, remember how much he apologized later? How sorry he looked? How much he was afraid you'd leave him?"_

"I think" Sam finally said, "I think we should give Cas the benefit of the doubt"

Sam really wished he could believe both himself and the voice in his head, for Dean's sake at the least.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Reveiw Please!<em>**

**_And remember, sign the petition and power to the writers and it's readers!_**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

**A/N: Well it took a while but the next chapter, this takes place during S6, The Man Who Would Be King. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>The Manly Dairy of Dean Winchester<strong>

**Entry 11: Angels cannot be trusted. **

They were lying to Cas, his Angel, his lover, all because the Angel made a mistake.

"_It's more than that" _whispered the voice in his head, and Sam promptly ignored it, as he glared down at the demon tied up in the chair.

"_It's true"_

"_Don't try to deny it"_

"_He's been acting strange since the day you got your soul back"_

"_Remember that time in the hotel, or during that Black Dog case, remembered when he dragged you back to the hotel after he caught that girl flirting, threw you on the bed, remember how rough he was? Sure it felt good, but something wasn't right, remember?"_

"_Remember the bruises he left? It's just like with Ruby, demonic" _

Sam barely heard Bobby talking to the demon, barely heard himself speak, the voice in his head getting louder and louder. When Dean walked through the door, Sam quickly went over to his brother, Bobby behind him.

When Dean told him that Cas had visited him, Sam was torn between being relieved and a little disappointed, after he spent days calling for the Angel and not getting an answer (though Sam will admit he wasn't sure what he would have done should Cas had come, also screw profound bond Dean). He listens to Dean and Bobby talk, when he felt…something, it was warm and slightly tingly.

"_Cas?"_

Sam glanced around, frowning when he didn't see or hear the flutter of wings that signaled the Angel.

"Sam?"

Sam looked back his brother who was looking at him curiously, and begging for him to side with him.

"Look, you know who Cas is to me, know I'd die for him, I would, but...Look, I'm praying we're wrong here"

"But if we ain't" Bobby said "if there's a snowball of a snowball's chance here...that means we're dealing with a Superman who's gone dark side. Which means we've got to be cautious, we got to be smart, and maybe stock up on some Kryptonite."

"That makes you Lois Lane" Dean said, giving a small grin at his brother's bitchface.

"_**Look,**_ one problem at a time here. We got to find Crowley now, before the damn fool cracks open Purgatory." Bobby then said.

The young Winchester nodded before following Dean and Bobby back with the demon, giving one last glance at the kitchen where he swore he saw intense blue eyes looking back.

* * *

><p>Sam couldn't help the breath of relief when Cas appeared and stopped the demon from stepping on him, couldn't help the hope that swelled up in him, quickly he stood onto his feet as Cas helped Bobby up, he stood before the Angel.<p>

"It is good to see you, Cas." Dean said, Cas nodded.

"You alright?" Castiel asked Sam.

Yeah. Perfect timing, Cas." Sam said.

"I'm glad I found you. I come with news." The Angel then said.

"Yeah? What?" Dean asked.

"I firmly believe Crowley is alive." Castiel said.

"Yeah. You think, Kojak? Well, Bobby, what do we think about Cas saving our asses...Again?"

Bobby rolled his eyes before turning to the Angel "I think we owe you an apology." He then said.

"Why?"

"We've been hunting Crowley this whole time...And keeping it from you." Sam said, turning away from the look of disbelief on his lover's face.

"We thought...You were working with him." Bobby continued on.

"You thought what?"

"I know. It's crazy, right?" Dean said, with a grin.

"It's just that you torched the wrong bones. It doesn't matter. We - we were wrong." Bobby said.

"You know" Castiel then sighed, "you could've just asked me.

"And we should have. We never should've doubted you. It's...I just hope you can forgive us." Dean said.

"It's forgotten."

"Thanks."

"Yeah. Thanks, Cas."

"It is a little absurd, though." Castiel then said.

"I know, I know." Bobby said.

"Superman going to the dark side. I'm still just Castiel."

The hope and relief Sam felt disappeared and was replaced with dread.

"I guess we can put away the Kryptonite, right?" Dean said.

"Exactly" Cas said.

* * *

><p>"You sent demons after them?" Castiel growled as he entered the lab, eyes ablaze.<p>

"You kill my hunters. Why can't I kill yours?" Crowley said with a raised brow.

"They're my friends!" Castiel said, Sam was his lover, _**his**_, and this demon had the nerve to hurt him.

"You can't have friends, not anymore. I mean, my God. You're losing it!" Castiel snapped.

"I'm fine" Castiel said, calm, sudden anger and possessiveness now gone, these sudden feelings a norm now, ever since his deal with Crowley.

"Yeah. You're the very picture of mental health. Come on. You don't think I know what this is all about?"

"Enlighten me" Castiel said.

"The big lie, the Winchesters still buy it. The good Cas, the righteous Cas. And long as they still believe it, you get to believe it. Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore." Crowley said with a knowing grin.

The anger and possessiveness was back, darker, stronger than before as he shoved the demon against the wall.

"I'm only gonna say this once. If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down. Our arrangement, everything. I'm still an Angel, and I will bury you."

Suddenly he felt the familiar feel of prayer, with one last glare he flew away to Dean, to Sam.

* * *

><p>"Hello" Castiel greeted, eyes lingering on Sam, feeling lust overpowering the love he always felt when he was in Sam's presence.<p>

"Oh, Johnny on the spot." Bobby said.

"You're still here" Castiel then said looking around the house.

"We had to bury the body" Sam said.

"And we found a little whiskey." Dean said holding up the glass "thanks for coming."

"How can I help?" Castiel asked.

"Okay, look." Sam said, "we, um - we have a new plan. We think we've finally figured out a way to track down Crowley."

"What is it?" Castiel asked going over to his lover.

"You" Bobby said, lighting a match.

Castiel was suddenly surrounded by fire.

"What are you doing?" Castiel demanded, voice wavering in slight fear, eyes going to Dean, Bobby then Sam.

"We gotta talk" Dean said.

"About what? Let me go!"

His mind was in a jumble, this was not right, this—

"About Superman. And Kryptonite" Dean said, pacing in front the fire

"How'd you know what I said?" Bobby questioned.

"How long you been watching us?" Sam asked.

"You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies!" Dean snapped.

"Okay, just wait." Castiel demanded, trying to calm his mind, "I don't even know what you mean."

"What about this demon crap hole?" Sam asked , "how is it so, uh..."Next to godliness" clean in here?"

"And how exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?" Bobby asked.

"It's hard to understand. It's hard to explain. Just let me go. Let me out and I can –"

"You got to look at me, man." Dean interrupted the Angel, Castiel looked at him, "you got to level with me and tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley."

Castiel looks away.

"You son of a bitch."

"Let me explain." Castiel nearly begged.

"You're in it with him? You and _**Crowley**_ have been going after Purgatory together? You have, huh? This whole time!"

"I did it to protect you." Castiel said "I did it to protect all of you."

"Protect us how?" Sam demanded "by opening a hole into monster land!"

"He's right, Cas." Bobby said, "one drop got through, and it was Eve. And you want to break down the entire dam?"

"To get the souls. I can stop Raphael. Please, you have to trust me."

"Trust you? How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?" Sam snapped eyes hard, almost cold.

"I'm still me." Castiel said, eyes begging for his lover to believe him, not to look at him like that. "I'm still your friend, your Angel, Sam...I'm the one who raised you from Perdition."

Silence, all eyes on him, disbelief, and shock, Castiel stared back at his lover desperately, in hopes that Sam would understand.

"What?" Sam finally said, softly, "well" he then said, "no offense...But you did a pretty piss-poor job of it… Wait. Did you bring me back soulless...On _**purpose**_?

This time it was Castiel's turn to stare in disbelief, shock and hurt, "How could you think that?" the Angel said, how could his human think he would do such a thing to him.

"Well, I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cas."

Castiel held back the flinch at the tone in his human's voice.

"Listen." Castiel then said, no longer able to look at Sam, turning to Dean, "Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice."

"No" Dean said, "you had a choice. You just made the wrong one."

"You don't understand." The Angel said, "it's complicated."

"No, actually, it's not, and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh, unless you knew that it was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil!" Dean snapped.

"It sounds so simple when you say it like that." Castiel said softly, and it did. "Where were you when I needed to hear it?"

"I was there." Dean said, "Where were you?"

A picture of him following Crowley appeared in Castiel's mind.

"You should've come to us for help, Cas." Dean then said.

"Maybe."

But it was too late now.

* * *

><p>The conversation with Dean did not go as plan, the man still couldn't see that this was all for the best, the Angel hoped Sam would understand.<p>

"Hello Sam" he greeted when he appeared in the room.

"I told Bobby that proofing was wrong" Sam grumbled from the bed, the human stood up, he looked at the Angel, waiting.

"You are still upset" Castiel stated.

"No shit Sherlock!"

"I'm Castiel"

Sam gave him a look, tensing when he Angel came closer.

"Sam" Castiel said, stopping.

"Why?" Sam asked.

"Raphael—"

"Not that"

"Oh, you…were in Hell—"

"Not that either, why didn't you just tell me it was you?"

"I was…Crowley…It' doesn't matter"

"It doesn't matter? Cas, we've spent months wondering what brought me back, months thinking it was Crowley and all along you said nothing!"

"Sam please"

"No! I'm done, I can't… we're done, Cas"

Everything in Castiel froze, no, this wasn't right, Sam can't just say they were done, after everything he did for him! After everything they've been through, after everything he sacrificed!

"No, we are not"

Sam jumped when the Angel grabbed him tightly and pulled him closer.

"You are _**mine **_Samuel, I didn't sacrificed everything, just so could leave me"

"You expect me to stay with you after everything you've done Castiel? Expected me to just forgive you?"

"I expected anger yes, and perhaps a bit of distrust, but not this, you cannot leave me, end this relationship, I won't let you" The angel's grip on Sam's arm tightened.

"Well to bad, it's happening"

Castiel's eyes glowed, wind blowing harshly outside.

"Cas...Cas let go of my arm, you're hurting me…Cas, please"

Castiel blinked, and he slowly let go of the human's arm, he watched as the human rubbed the slowly bruising arm.

"I…suppose a break is needed" he then said, "after…after I defeat Raphael, I will court you again, to regain your favor and affection"

Castiel flew away before Sam could say anything else.

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><p><strong><em>Review Please!<em>**


	12. Chapter 12

**The Manly Diary Of Dean Winchester **

When Sam woke up, he expected to be in the Panic Room, or in the bedroom he shared with Dean when they stayed at Bobby, what he didn't expect was to wake up in a large bed with silk sheets in an elegant room.

"Wha—?"

"Do you like it?"

Sam jumped at the familiar tone.

"Cas?"

There was the Angel, the new _**God**_, sitting at the edge of the bed, dark intense blue eyes watching him.

"Where am I? Where's Dean?"

"You're in the Presidential Suite" Castiel answered.

"Suite?"

"Yes, you had said you wanted to stay in one"

Sam tensed when Castiel moved closer, flinching when his cheek was caressed.

"You still fear me" Castiel stated.

"You did threaten to smite us" Sam said.

"Perhaps I had been a bit… hasty; you know I would never harm you Sam"

Sam didn't comment on that instead he asked, "Why am I here?"

"I told you once I dealt with Raphael, I would win you back"

"There's nothing to win back" Sam said, "we're done, remember? I stabbed you in the back"

"Yes, an understandable anger"

Castiel moved closer to Sam, "But I'm no longer angry, and I've forgiven you"

"Thanks"

"You're welcome"

Apparently as God, Castiel still didn't get sarcasm.

Castiel then leaned forward to kiss him, frowning when Sam turned away.

"No" Sam said, "I told you, no more"

Castiel's frown deepened as he tilted his head.

"Why not? You are still mine"

"I'm not yours"

Castiel's eyes flared with anger for a moment before they turned shimmered back to cold intense blue eyes.

"You _**are **_mine" the new God said, "you became mine, the moment you gave yourself to me, and once everything has settle you will be by my side ruling Heaven"

"R-R-R-Ruling H-H-H-Heaven?" Sam squeaked.

"Yes, children need both a mother and a father"

Sam stared in shock and disbelief, mouth doing a very good impression of a fish as his mind tried to comprehend what it just heard.

"I'm not going to start popping out Angel babies am I?" Sam finally asked, voice squeaky and perhaps a bit hysterical.

Castiel blinked at him and for a moment Sam saw a hint of his lover in the way the blue eyes turned curious and head tilted to the side.

"Do you wish to pop out Angel babies?" Castiel asked.

"Uh…no"

Sam did not want to think about why the Angel looked a bit disappointed, before shaking his head and started making his way out the bed.

"Where are you going?" Castiel asked standing up.

"Leaving"

Sam didn't even make it to the door before he was grabbed and his back was slammed against the wall.

"You are not" Castiel growled, eyes once again cold and detached.

"Let me go!" Sam demanded.

"You do not give me orders!"

Sam grunted when he was slammed against the wall again.

"And you will _**not **_leave me, you are _**mine!**_ I own you, and I will do with you as I please!" Castiel snarled as his hand came up and wrapped itself tightly around Sam's neck.

Thunder boomed, and winds howled outside the room.

"Understand!"

Sam whimpered, Castiel's eyes narrowed and he slammed the human against the wall again.

"I said do you understand!?"

"C-Cas p-please I-I c-c-can't—"

Sam crawled at the tight hold on his neck, eyes pleading to be let go. Suddenly as quickly as the fire and anger came, it disappeared, the thunder and winds dying down as Castiel released the human.

Sam coughed, eyes never leaving the being.

"You…I….Perhaps….Perhaps more time is needed" Castiel said looking down at his hands as though he's never seen them before.

"Cas—" Sam said, voice a bit hoarse.

Castiel looked at him, then snapped his fingers, and Sam found himself back in his old room at Bobby's. The young Winchester stood there, before going to the bathroom. He flipped on the light and looked at his neck in the mirror.

His neck had a hand imprint on it, the shape turning purple.

"_Dean's going to be pissed" _Sam thought.

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><p><strong><em>Review Please!<em>**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: This takes place during S7x01 Meet The New Boss. **

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester<strong>

_**Entry 14: Maybe there is Hope. **_

Sam had been right, his brother was pissed when he saw the bruise around his neck, the younger Winchester then had to all but tackle his brother to the ground when Dean had started demanding that _"Cas get his feathery ass down here, so he could shove it full of burning holy oil!"_

Luckily Cas seem to choose to ignore his brother, Sam then decided it was best if he didn't mention the whole ruling Heaven with Castiel bit.

"Dean I'm fine" Sam said for was could have been the hundredth time, as he slapped away his brother's hands.

"Sam, this is _**not**_ fine!" Dean snapped.

Coming onto the room Bobby shook his head, in his hand was some cream.

"Here" he said, handing it to Dean.

Sam sighed as he let his brother apply it on his bruised neck; he tensed slightly at the sounds of chains gently rattling.

"Sammy?" Dean said, worry in his eyes.

"I'm fine" Sam said, as the rattling faded away.

Dean nodded, though the worry didn't leave his eyes, in fact it seem to grow

"Dean?"

"Cas….he didn't…"

"Didn't what?"

"….Didn't…. didn't hurt you in…in other way…did he?"

Sam blinked and it took him a moment to realized what his brother was implying, a moment that was took longer for Dean who paled, and his faced twisted into a look of horror.

"Oh go—"

"No!" Sam said quickly, "no, he didn't…Cas didn't do _**that**_"

Sam wasn't sure how he felt about his brother thinking that Castiel had raped him, or that he had a feeling that said new God would have if Sam hadn't been able to calm him down.

Dean stared at him, looking for lies or something, Sam didn't know what, before the older Winchester nodded, face falling into relief.

* * *

><p>"<em>Go back"<em>

Castiel paused, brows furrowed, paying little mind to the humans that bushed by him.

"_Go back"_

Castiel's looked down curiously at his hands that trembled, the voices spoke again.

"_Go back to him, Sam, your Sammy, our Sammy"_

The voices, they were familiar and yet foreign at the same time, as though he instinctively knew that something about them required his attention…and his weariness.

"_Sammy, Sammy, we want our Sammy" _

Sam, his Sam, his human who rejected him…no, he was just angry, just needed time, and perhaps a bit a wooing.

"_Sammy" _the voices purred, before urging him to go back to said him.

To claim, own, posses, in every way possible and kill whoever got in his way.

* * *

><p>He was having hallucinations.<p>

Frankly he was surprised he didn't have them the moment he woke up, though that didn't matter now, what did matter was making sure his brother didn't find out about it. His brother was so relieved that Sam wasn't some drooling vegetable, he couldn't break that.

So he was keeping quiet.

It didn't mean it was easy, the hallucinations seem to come at random, luckily they didn't appear around Bobby or Dean.

Sucked that Death ratted him out though.

The look on his brother's face told Sam that there was going to be a lot of yelling when they got back to Bobby's, then Castiel appeared.

"_He looks terrible" _was the younger Winchester's thoughts.

"Cas" he said.

The Angel, no the new God, glanced at him and for a moment his expression soften before turning to stared coldly at Dean.

"I didn't want to kill you" Castiel said, "but now…"

"You can't" Dean said quickly.

"You've erased any nostalgia I had for you, Dean." Castiel said, raising his hand.

"Death is our bitch." Dean said, glancing nervously as said Horseman "we ain't gonna die, even if God pulls the trigger."

"Annoying little protozoa, aren't they?" Death said from where he stood by the desk, before titling his head and staring at Castiel, ""God"? You look awfully like a mutated angel to me. Your vessel's melting. You're going to explode."

Castiel glared at the Horseman, "No, I'm not. When I've finished my work, I'll repair myself."

"You think you can because you think you're simply under the weight of all those souls, yes?" Death for a moment looked amused, "but that's not the worst problem. There are things much older than souls in Purgatory, and you gulped those in, too."

"Irrelevant. I control them."

"For now"

"Wait - uh, what older things?" Dean asked nervously.

"Long before God created Angel and man, he made the first beasts - the Leviathans."

"Leviathans?"

"I personally found them entertaining, but he was concerned they'd chomp the entire petri dish, so he locked them away. Why do you think he created Purgatory? To keep those clever, poisonous things out." Death looked back at Castiel, "now Castiel has swallowed them. He's the one thin membrane between the old ones and your home."

"Enough" Castiel growled.

"Stupid little soldier you are."

If they didn't know any better, it sounded like Death was taunting Castiel.

"Why?" Castiel asked stepping forward until he was nearly face to face with Death, "because I dared open a door that he shut? Where is he? I did a service, taking his place."

"Service? Settling petty vendettas?"

"No. I'm cleaning up one mess after another - selflessly."

"Quite the humanitarian." Death said sarcastically.

"And how would you know? What are you, really? A flyswatter?" Castiel taunted.

"Destined to swat you, I think." Death's eyes seem to gleam dangerously.

"Unless I take you first." Castiel said.

"Really bought his own press, this one." Death said to the humans, before turning back to Castiel "please, Cas. I know God, and you, sir, are no God.

"All right, put your junk away, both of you." Dean said, interrupting the two, "look, call him what you want. Just kill him now!"

The look Castiel gave him was both a look of hurt and a bit of hate, even worse was the look Sam sent his way, acceptance and pain, a look he had only seen when he had to kill Madison, it was something Dean didn't ever want to see on his brother's face again.

"All right. Fine." Death said and raised a hand to do so, only to pause when Cas snapped his fingers and released him, "Thank you." Death honestly looked surprised. "Shall we kick box now?" he then asked, Cas turned and gave him a look, Death almost smirked before he took a seat, gabbing the back of pickle chips Dean had brought.

" I had a tingle I'd be reaping someone very, very soon. Don't worry - not you." He said to the two humans tied to the chairs.

There was a flutter of wings and Castiel was gone.

"Well, he was in a hurry." Death said before digging into the pickle chips.

* * *

><p>Blood, there was blood everywhere! And the bodies, how did this….when had…did he do this? But why…<p>

"No, no, no"

He didn't even know he had flown away until he was standing in the middle of a rather run-down hotel room, it took him a moment to realize why the room felt familiar.

This was the place where he realized he was in love with Sam, where he wanted to be with Sam in all forms possible, this is also where they made love for the first time.

Where Sam surrendered his body to the Angel that once thought him tainted.

…He shouldn't be here, shouldn't have stepped foot in such a sacred place, not after everything he did, not with how he hurt his human, his Sam.

"_Sammy" _the voices of the Leviathan purred.

Castiel ignored them as he sat down on the bed, _**the **_bed, hands shaking.

* * *

><p>"You want some coffee with that?" Sam asked slight amused at the sight of his brother drinking so early.<p>

"It's 6:00 p.m. somewhere." Dean said, before going back to his laptop in front of him

"We got to hit the road. I mean, how are we supposed to get Cass to that lab by friggin' 3:59 a.m.?"

"We don't." Dean said.

"What do you mean, "We don't"?" Sam asked surprised.

"I mean, we can't bring the horse to water, and we can't make it drink. Why fool ourselves?"

"Dean, look, I know you think that Cass is gone –"

"It's 'cause he is."

"He's not! He's in there somewhere, Dean. I know it."

"No, you don't."

Sam paused for a moment, and found his brother was right, there was a time that he was so sure, that he would have defend Cas until his dying breathe, "No," he then said "I don't. But, look, I was pretty far gone sometimes myself, and you never gave up on me."

"Yeah, and it turns out that you're about the same open book as you've always been. Hallucinations? Really? I got to find out from _**Death**_?"

Sam sighed, and readied himself for a very long and uncomfortable conversation.

"What was I supposed to do?" he then asked.

"How about not lie? How about tell me that you've got crazy crap climbing those walls?" Dean didn't shout, but his tone told Sam everything.

"Why?" Sam said, voice laced with weariness, "you can't help. You got a lot of pretty severe crap swinging your way lately, and - and I thought -what? I thought why burst the one good bubble you had left? It's under control."

"What?" Dean nearly snapped, "what, exactly, is under control?"

"I know what's real and what's not." Even to him that sounded weak.

"Sam –"

"Dean, look" Sam finally sighed, "we can debate this once we deal with Cas."

Dean scoffed, before downing the rest of his drink and refilling it, "Yeah, you know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my pie hole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some Asian cartoon porn and act like the world's about to explode because it is." Dean then went back to his laptop, he paused for a moment then groaned.

"Hey. You got to be kidding me. "Massacre at the campaign office of an incumbent Senator by a trench-coated man."

Sam rushed over.

"There's security footage." Dean said, voice tight, as he clicked on the video.

Sam paled at the sight of his lover killing every last human, his heart froze when Castiel turned to the camera and was greeted with a cold insane smile.

"Well" Dean said after moments of silence, "I think reaching Cass is, uh... out of the cards."

Sam stared at the screen before leaving the room, Dean watched him go before turning back to the screen.

"_Damn it Cas" _

* * *

><p>Castiel laid curled up on the mattress, ignoring the Leviathans as they hissed at him to kill, to go to Sam, to claim the human, to change the world so it will be prefect for not only them but their Sam as well.<p>

"_Cas"_

Castiel blinked surprised, that didn't sound like the Leviathans, in fact it sounded like Sam.

"_Hey, Castiel."_

It was Sam! Sam was praying to him! The Leviathans purred.

"_Um... Maybe this is pointless. Look... I don't know if any part of you even cares, but, um, I still think you're one of us, deep down. I mean, way, way, way off the reservation, but... Look, we still have till dawn to stop this. Let us help. Please."_

It was tempting, just to fly over and let Sam and Dean fix everything like always, but he couldn't, he couldn't face them, couldn't face _**Sam**_, after all that he had done.

"_Listen Cas"_

It was Sam again.

"_I'm not sure if it matters anymore, but I still love you, I never stopped you know. It was just, everything was just so crazy and you …well you know. So please Cas, come back to me and let me help. I want us to be together again" _

Sam…still loved him, still wanted to be with him.

"_Castiel please, I miss you"_

Castiel was flying to Bobby's house before he could even think.

"Sam"

The look of relief, hope and love of Sam's face made Castiel believe for one he made the right choice.

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><p><strong><em>Review Please!<em>**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: All I can say is sorry this took so long.**

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester <strong>

**Entry 15: The Fall Of An Angel **

Castiel didn't remember much of the ride back to the lab, all he remembered was laying in the back with Sam, clinging to the human murmuring apologizes, distantly does he remember long fingers running through his hair, a strong arm wrapped around him, Sam's soft voice gently shushing and reassuring him.

When they finally pulled up to the lab, Sam helped him inside and sat him down onto the floor. Quickly Dean and Bobby got ready for the spell, Sam also helped but would quickly return to Castiel's side.

"We need the right blood. There's a small jar –end of the hall, s-supply closet." Castiel instructed to the larger human.

"Got it" Sam said, before standing and leaving the room.

Castiel watched the younger Winchester leave, eyes longing and regretful, before he turned to Dean.

"Dean"

"What?" Dean asked coming over, "do you need something else?"

"No." Castiel said shaking his head, "I feel….regret, about you and…. what I did to Sam."

Dean's expression was unreadable as he responded, "Yeah, well you should"

"If there was time, if I was strong enough, I'd - I'd fix him now."

Father, would he, what he would give to go back and start all over, but now all he could do was try to do right before he died.

"I just wanted to make amends before I die."

"Okay" Dean said after a pause.

"….Is it working?"

"Does it make you feel better?"

"No, you?"

"Not a bit…where is Sam?"

It was getting close to time, with a frustrated sigh, Dean left to find his brother, worry eating at him, the worrying growing when found the jar of blood but no brother.

"Danm it Sam" he said softly before hurrying back to the lab.

"Sam?" Castiel inquired.

Dean shook his head as he handed Bobby the blood.

"I'm sorry" Castiel said.

Dean said nothing.

"Alright that's it" Bobby said, "step right up Cas"

Both Dean and Bobby helped the angel to stand in front of the symbols drawn on the wall.

"Ianua magna purgatorii, clausa est ob nos lumine" Bobby chanted, "eius ab oculis nostris retento sed nunc stamus ad limen huius ianuae magnae et demisse fideliter perhonorifice paramus aperire eam."

The wall split open, a large gust of winds rushed out, the Angel looked over his shoulder at the humans.

"Dean" he said, "I'm sorry".

_Tell Sam I'm sorry._

"Creaturae terrificae quarum ungulae et dentes nunquam tetigerunt carnem eius ad mundum nostrum nunc ianua magna, aperta tandem!"

_Tell him I love him_

There was a bright light, then nothing before Castiel collapsed onto the floor.

"Cas!"

The two humans rushed over to the fallen Angel.

"Cas!"

The Angel wasn't moving.

"He's cold" Bobby said touching the Angel.

"Is he breathing?"

"No" Bobby said after checking.

"Maybe Angels don't need to breath" Dean said, a bit of hope in his voice.

"He's gone, Dean." Bobby said softly.

Dean's body froze, eyes dimming with sorrow, "Damn it. Cas," he then said, voice tighten,  
>"you child. Why didn't you listen to me?"<p>

Suddenly Castiel's eyes snapped opened, his wounds healed and he drew in surprised breath.

"Cas?! Hey! Hey! Okay. You alright?"

"That was unpleasant." Castiel said blinking.

"Let's get him up, whoa easy there"

It took Cas a moment to get steady on his feet once he did he looked himself up and down, "I'm alive." He said surprised, though something didn't feel right.

"Looks like it." Bobby said.

"I'm astonished. Thank you…both of you."

"We were mostly... just trying to save the world." Bobby said with a shrug.

"I'm ashamed. I really overreached." Castiel said, before he started to sway, _**something **_was not right, it wasn't good he knew this, he had to hold it back.

"You think?" Dean said catching him.

"I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you, and Sam."

Dean's face went blank with an indescribable emotion flying through hid eyes before he gave a nod "All right, well, one thing at a time. Come on. Let's get you out of here." The Hunter with Bobby took hold of the Angel and started to lead him out the lab.

"I mean it, Dean" Castiel said stopping them.

"Okay. All right. But let's go find Sam, okay?"

"_**Sammy!" **_purred familiar voices inside the Angel

_**There **_it is, that's what's wrong, Leviathans.

With what strength he had last he pushed both of the humans away from him, grunting at the sharp pain that hit him moments later.

"Cas wha—?"

"You need to run now! I-I can't hold them back!" Castiel hissed in pain, biting the inside of his mouth trying to prevent the creatures from taking over.

"Hold who back?" Dean asked, eyes wide with worry.

"Leviathan! I can't fight them. Run!"

The next pain that hit made him scream, and the last thing he heard were voices hissing with laughter.

"_**He's ours now Castiel" **_

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><p><em><strong>Review Please!<strong>_


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: This takes place during season 7 ep 2: Hello Cruel World. And from I going to go off the show at a bit. Manly with the Leviathans's feeling towards Sam, which will be explained in the chapters to come.**

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><p><strong>The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester<strong>

**Entry 15: Everything's falling apart. **

This was his fault.

Everything that was happening now was because he did not trust Dean or Sam to help him, because he thought he could do it on his own.

"Cas is... heh, he's gone! We run the show now."

He watched as the creatures, using his vessel, grabbed Dean and tossed him across the room, before grabbing Bobby and doing the same. He whimpered at the feeling of glee coming from them. The creatures turned his vessel's eyes to Dean and smiled.

"Now this is going to be so much fun" they chuckled, it was cold and just plain wrong.

_**Please stop it.**_

_**What's wrong Castiel? Not having fun? **_

He whimpered.

The creatures moved closer to Dean, stopping when they realized that someone was missing.

_**Sammy **_they purred, desire rolling off the creatures in waves.

He blinked.

Sam? Of course, thought Cas, his human, his Sam.

It was him that they wanted his Sam. Those vile creatures wanted his Sam, they wanted to...He couldn't let that happen, he wouldn't.; He had to protect Sam.

_**And how are you going to do that? **_ They taunted in sick glee.

He did not answer them, instead he gathered the last bit of strength and grace he had left and fought back, trying to force his grace to expand rapidly outward; the creatures chuckled at his attempt before turning their attention to Dean. They moved closer, only to stop when they felt the vessel begin to leak copiously.

_**What are you doing? **_They hissed.

**Protecting the one I love, protecting Sam.**

"How many of you ass-clowns are in there?" Dean asked when he noticed something was wrong, "a hundred, more?"

The Hunter then noticed that the vessel was leaking profusely, making Cas' coat grey with moisture.

"You're vessel's going to explode, isn't it?" he said with a slight smirk, "I wouldn't do anything too strenuous, if I were you. In fact, I would call it a day and head on home".

_**Stop it! Stop it now you stupid pigeon! **_Anger rolled over Cas, along with sharp wrenching pain, but he would not stop, he could not stop.

**No.**

The creatures turned their attention back to Dean, "We'll be back" they glared derangedly, "for you".

_**And for Sammy, **_they promised Cas.

Castiel continued to fight them, even as the creatures left the room, down the hall and into a lake. He continued to fight when they kept moving, sinking deeper and deeper underneath water.

He continued to fight and fight, until everything went dark once again and he couldn't fight anymore.

* * *

><p>Cas was gone, his Angel was dead and had been replaced by another, one which he wasn't sure really existed or not.<p>

"To be honest Sam, I was never sure what you saw in little Castiel, I mean, sure, he was a good lay but his personality left much to be desired". Lucifer said from where he was lounging on the couch tossing a ball in the air.

Sam ignored him, and that was all he could do really; ignore the devil in his head.

"I mean the first time the two of you even met, he called you an abomination".

Sam focused on his gun.

"Which was true, but still way to be non- subtle" he continued with fervor.

Sam flinched.

Lucifer chuckled, before he started whistling Black Sabbath's War Pig's.

Sam went back to his gun.

Dean never thought he would be at the end of his brother's gun- at least not unless he was possessed or no longer human.

"I thought I was with you Dean" Sam said softly, his eyes confused, fearful and just so lost. His whole body was vibrating with tension, but his hand was shaking in fear.

"Okay" Dean said, his hands raised and body tensed, "well here I am".

"N-no" Sam stuttered he glanced off to the side before turning back to his brother, " I-I c-can't know that for sure, you understand me?"

Dean nodded as he moved a bit closer, "Okay, we're going to have to start small then".

"I don't remember driving here" Sam then said desperately, gun lowering for a moment, "I don't—".

Suddenly he was shouting at air, Dean looking on in confused apprehension.

"Whoa! Whoa! Sam! This discussion does not require a weapon's discharge!" he said.

Sam whimpered and the gun was once again lowered. "Look at me," Dean said, moving even closer, arms still raised. "Come on, you don't know what's real? Man, I've been to Hell. I know at thing or two about torture- enough to know that it feels _**different **_then the pain of…this" he gestured around them.

"How can you know that for sure?" asked Sam, almost desperately.

Dean didn't even pause, "Let me see your hand".

Sam looked at the one holding the gun

"No, no, the gimp hand let me see it".

Sam started to raise it only to stop and look off to the side, Dean followed the gaze for just a moment before taking hold of his brother's hand.

"Hey" was Sam's indignant yelp.

Dean didn't know how he felt at seeing his brother's surprised look, "This is real." He said, "Not a year ago, not in hell; _**Now. **_ I was with you when you cut it. I sewed it up. Look." Then Dean pressed into it, ignoring his brother's hiss of pain.

"This is different, right," Dean continued on, "than the crap that's tearing at your walnut? I'm different, right?"

Sam suddenly pulled his injured hand away from his brother's own appendage.

"Sam? Sam?" he asked worriedly.

Dean watched in surprise and confusion for a moment as his little brother stared at a spot over his shoulder and pressed hard into the wound on his injured palm.

"Hey, I am your flesh-and-blood-brother, okay?"

Sam glanced at him then back at the spot behind him.

"I'm the only one who can legitimately kick your ass in real time. You got away. We got you out Sammy." He begged.

Sam continued pressing down on the wound, harder and harder until the stitches opened up and it was bleeding once more.

"Believe in that. Believe me okay? You gotta believe me."

Please, Dean prayed to whoever gave a damn about them, please let him get through to his brother, "You gotta make it stone number one" he continued, "and build on it, you understand?"

Sam tiredly nodded, "Yeah, yeah, agreed."

Dean stared a bit, surprised that it seemed to have worked for the moment.

And then Sam's phone rang.

* * *

><p>Bobby couldn't be gone, he already lost his Angel, his Cas, Sam refused to believe he'd lost Bobby too.<p>

"Bobby?" Sam called as he walked through the junk yard, "Bobby!"

Sam just passed a set of cars when he noticed something or rather someone near him, the man was in his mid-thirties or forties, about as tall as Dean, and had dark hair and eyes with tanned skin. Sam tensed as the man approached him; there was no doubt in his mind that this was a Leviathan.

The Leviathan slowly smiled at the Hunter.

"Sammy," it purred causing Sam to shiver involuntarily.

The young Hunter took a step back when the Leviathan started to move closer, then it stopped.

"There's not need to be afraid" it said in what it probably thought was a comforting manner.

Suddenly there was a loud bang and a bullet went through the creature's head, said bullet not even fazing the Leviathan as it turned to Dean and roared; its gaping maw showcasing rows of sharp fangs and a wicked tongue. The Leviathan grabbed Dean and threw him onto the closest car; his body hit the wind shield before rolling onto the ground with a pained grunt. Quickly Sam got between the creature and his brother, punching the Leviathan. Moving towards a pile of junkers Sam hissed at the pain in his fist, before glancing up.

"Dean, now" he shouted before he was hit and everything went black.

After watching the car fall, Dean turned his attention to his unconscious brother and, with a grunt, he began crawling over to Sam's prone form.

"Sam?" he asked.

No answer.

"Sammy? Hey, come on now."

His brother didn't move.

"Come on, now, I'm the one with the broken leg. You gotta carry me. Sam?" Dean was becoming desperate.

Dean cursed when he got nothing again. With another grunt he reached into his pocket for his phone , praying that it hadn't been crushed during the fight.

"911, what's your emergency?"

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><p><em><strong>Review Please!<strong>_


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: I'm back, and still in S7, this part takes place on Ep 17. **

* * *

><p><strong>The Manly Diary of Dean Winchester<strong>

**Entry 16: The Return**

_It's been a while, and a lot has happened, Cas was dead, Bobby was dead, and Leviathans were walking the earth. Leviathans who wanted Sam in all ways, what was worse was that Sammy was losing his mind, Hell and Lucifer was slowly taking him apart. I don't know what to do, and I hate it, what I hate more is that it was worse than I thought. _

_I get a call from hospital, saying that my brother was in an accident, when I get there I discover Sammy is having a full blown psychotic episode, seeing my normally strong and stubborn brother laying on the bed looking fragile breaks something in me. I leave, determined to find a cure, I'm not losing my brother. _

_I get to the hotel and start making calls, but they all turn up dead, after my last call ends up the same as the others, I stop for a break. Tired and frustrated I go to the fridge to get a beer, the sound of Bobby's journal hitting the floor grabs my attention, I go to pick it up and a card falls out. On it are the words Mackey's Taxidermy Shop, on the back is a number. I call and get the answering machine; I leave a message and wait. Hours later, I get a call back, along with a name_

_Emanuel. _

Dean pulls up to the home of the supposed Daphne and Emanuel, he leans against the steering wheel staring at the house.

"Please let this be it" he whispers, before getting out the Impala.

Once on the porch, he knocks on the door, a man answers, Dean asks for Daphne and is told she is resting.

"Oh, then are you Emanuel?" Dean asked.

"I am" says the man, "do you mind if we talk on the porch, I don't want to wake Daphne"

"Sure"

The man steps out onto the porch and closes the door, before turning his attention to Dean, "Now what can I do for you?" he asked.

Before he could speak, something moves in the corner of Dean's eyes, turning his head he finds a window, the curtains were opened, showing the inside of the house. There he sees a woman tied up in a chair, he turns back to the man, the man's eyes turn ink black before he grabs Dean. There is a struggle before the Hunter is able to stab the demon with Ruby's knife. The body fall, rolling off the porch and landing at a pair of shoes, looking up at the owner Dean's body goes cold.

"_Cas!?"_

* * *

><p>Emanuel says he has no memory whatsoever of his life before, but that was a lie, he does have one memory. Of a person, the person is always fuzzy in his mind, voice warped and unidentifiable in his ears. It is bothersome to be sure but it's nothing compared to the feeling that comes over him every time he thinks about the mysterious person; it is warm, bright and something else that he can't identify but nags at the back of his head. Sometimes he'll feel protective of the unknown person, wants to hold and never let go, but he also feels a sorrow, regret and fear.<p>

He lies to Daphne about this person and his feelings, because he wants, _**needs **_to keep this to himself. This person whose face he can't see, and voice he cannot hear, is special to him

When he marries Daphne, it's because he's dependent on her and doesn't want to lose her like he's lost the special person, there is some affection, but that is all there is to be honest, and for months he somewhat content with his life that consisted of the occasional healing when he learns of his gifts. Then a man named Dean appears.

At first Emanuel thinks that this Dean is his special person, he feels something towards this man when he looks at him, but it's only when they are heading to where Dean's brother was, that Emanuel realize it's not him. The feeling he feels for Dean is protectiveness, and an affection that is almost similar but different to how he felt for his special person. During the drive, Dean asked a bit of his life, then ask if he ever wondered what his life was like before and if he was a bad guy.

"I don't feel like a bad person" Emanuel answered.

Dean doesn't say anything to that, his expression turning thoughtful, minutes go by like that before Emanuel decides to ask about the other man's brother.

"So you're brother?"

"Sam" said Dean.

"_Sam" _Emanuel thinks, startled when his heart starts beating faster and how the name sounded familiar to him, "what are his diagnoses?"

"Well" Dean clears his throat, "it's not exactly medical"

"That should be fine, I can cure illness of a spiritual nature" Emanuel says, a bit of excitement and eagerness seeping into his voice, he wants to see this Sam person.

"Spiritual? Okay"

Something in the man's tone has Emanuel putting all thoughts on Sam on hold and giving his full attention to Dean.

"Someone did this to him" the man said, and while his voice was calm, Emanuel can not only hear but feel the slowly simmer anger. He himself feels anger towards whoever had hurt Sam, but his anger is not like Dean's, it almost feels like he should be angry at himself.

"You're angry" the Healer says after a moment.

"Well yeah, this dude broke my brother's head"

"He betrayed you this dude"

"_He betrayed Sam"_

"He was your friend?" Emanuel then asked.

Dean doesn't say yes, but he's expression tells the Healer enough.

"Yeah, well he's gone" Dean then said.

"Did you kill him? I sense you kill a lot of people" Emanuel said when Dean gave him a questioning look.

"Honestly I don't know if he is dead, I just…know this whole thing couldn't get any messier. I use to be able to shake this stuff off, might take me some time but I always could—what Cas did, I just can't and I don't know why"

"Well it doesn't matter why"

"Course it does"

"No, you're not a machine Dean, you're human"

Dean says nothing.

"You're friend name was Cas?" Emanuel then said with a little smile and a shake of his head, "that's an odd name"

As they drive through the night, Emanuel turns his thoughts back to Sam, thinks over all of the feelings and reactions to the man he never meant yet he felt familiar to him, perhaps Sam was his special person. The thought both excited and terrified him.

* * *

><p>Perhaps it's because he himself had lied, or maybe it's the tension he feels, but Emanuel knew that the demon called Meg and Dean were not friends. Glancing nervously at Dean, the Healer decided to point out the tension.<p>

"This silence is very uncomfortable, is there something I should know?" he asked looking at Dean.

"I don't know" Meg said amused, "Dean?"

"No" Dean said after a moment's pause, "Meg has that affect, awkward, you know"

Emanuel look at Meg, "That must be difficult for you" he said apologetic.

"Dean's making a joke, Emanuel" said Meg, still amused.

"Oh" Emanuel says with a little laugh.

The rest of the ride is spent in silence; the Healer spent it thinking about Sam.

They arrive at the hospital only to discover the building is surrounded by demons.

"Oh gracious" Emanuel says shocked, Sam was in _**there**_!?

"Damn it" Meg cursed.

"How many of those knives do you have?" Emanuel then asked Dean.

"Just the one" Dean says after a moment of shocked hesitation before going back to looking through the binoculars.

"Well then, what do we do?"

"Yeah Dean" Meg said, "do you know any other way we can _**blast **_our way in there?"

Demon and human share a look before Dean excuses them and they go over to the car's trunk, leaving the Healer to look over at the demons, he hoped that the two came up with a plan soon, because he was going in, something was _**urging **_him to go in there for Sam, kept urging the longer he stood there. He wants to go in, he's not denying it, but he rather he went in armed. Pushing the feeling back he heads over to the other two.

"He could snap or who knows"

"I gather we know each other" Emanuel says interrupting the two.

"Just a dollop"

Emanuel looks away from Meg, to Dean.

"You can tell me, I'll be fine" he says.

"No" Dean said, much to the Healer's surprise, "you've just met yourself, I've known you for years"

"You're an Angel" Meg interrupts.

"Is…Is that a flirtation?"

"No, it's a species, a very powerful one"

"She's not lying, that's why you heal people, you don't eat and I'm sure there's more"

"Why wouldn't you tell me?" Emanuel asked confused, "being an Angel, it sounds pleasant"

"It's not, trust me, it's blood, it's corrupt, it's not pleasant"

"He would know" Meg chimes in, "you use to fight together, bestest friends actually"

Dean gives her a look.

"We're friends?"

The look Dean gives him, tells him, taking a deep breathe Emanuel asks the question.

"Am I Cas?"

They're faces gives him his answer.

He was Cas, he was the one who betrayed Dean, betrayed and hurt Sam

"I had no idea" he said after he calmed the panic that was swelling up inside him, "I don't remember you, I'm sorry" he said to Dean.

"Look" Meg then said with a bit of impatience, "you got the juice, you can smite every last demon in that lawn"

Emanuel…no he was Cas, turns and looks at the demons, "I don't remember how"

He hears Dean move closer to him, "It's in there" the man says, "I'm sure it's just like riding a bike"

"I don't know how to do that either" Cas said looking at the man before looking back at the demons.

Sam was in there.

"Alright" he then said, "I'll try"

* * *

><p>Oddly enough he feels no fear as he gets closer to the entrance and the demons, a bit of nervousness yes, but no fear. Perhaps it's because his mind is focus on getting into the building and getting Sam. The first demon he approaches is wearing ambulance clothing.<p>

"Hey, I know you" the demon says as he get closers, "you're supposed to be dead"

"So I heard" he says.

He feels what he suppose is instincts take over, and places his head on the demon's forehead, the demon gasps and bright light emerges from his eyes and mouth, with it memories. Two more demons rush him, he stops them as he did the first, and like the first another set of memories emerge.

Memories that are familiar and painful.

He kills the last demon and with it comes his finally memories, and the awakening of his grace.

"That was beautiful Clarence"

"Cas?"

The voices of the human and demon pull him back from his memories, "I remember now, I remember everything"

He wishes he hadn't.

Anger fills him, most of it is at himself, while the other is towards Dean, "What I did, what I become, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because Sam is dying in there!"

"Because of me! I shouldn't be here"

He leaves.

"Cas, Cas!"

And Dean follows.

"If you remember" Dean says as they walk up the hill, "then you know you did the best you could at the time"

"Don't defend me, do you have any idea the death toll in Heaven, on Earth?" Castiel stops and turns the human, "We didn't part friends"

"So what?"

"I deserved to die! I don't even know why I walked out of that lake alive"

"…Maybe to fix it"

Castiel sighs and looks away, Dean frowns before a thought comes to him, "Wait" he says before going to the Impala.

He opens the trunk and goes through it, emerging with the Angel's trench coat in hand, he then turns to the Angel.

"After, after you were gone, Sammy…"

"Dean"

"Shut up and listen, Sammy had hallucinations, they were easy enough to handle at the time but there were bad days. During those bad days Sam would take your coat and just cling to it. Sometimes he would even sleep with it. Wanna know why? Because it gave him comfort, made him feel protected in a way I'll never be able to make him feel. _**You**_ made him feel that way Cas"

Dean hold out the coat.

"You still do"

Castiel looks at the coat then at the human.

He takes the coat.

It feels heavier then he remembers, perhaps that's just the weight of remorse he feels, Castiel looks at Dean.

"I'll be back"

In a flutter of wings he was gone.

* * *

><p>He finds Sam on the second floor being tortured by a Demon, he shows the creature no mercy, the body doesn't even hit the floor before he's turning his attention to Sam. He turns off the machine, and takes the device off the human's hand and removes the thing from his mouth. Sam's body was still twitching, but not as violently as before.<p>

"I should have never broken your wall Sam" Castiel said, caressing a cheek before placing two fingers on the man's forehead.

He pushes his grace through Sam's body and mind, building the wall back up and healing any physical wounds the electrocution may have caused. He removes his fingers when he is done, Sam has stopped jerking and he was panting, the human's eyes roll in the Angel's direction.

"You're not real" Sam breathes.

Castiel freezes, his grace clenching painfully, "Oh Sam, I'm so sorry"

* * *

><p>"What the hell do you mean, 'can't'" Dean says softly from the corner where the human and Angel were watching Sam.<p>

They were back in Sam's room, the younger was on the bed, eyes rolling over the room, and muttering to himself.

"Why not?" Dean asked, his voice was tight with held back frustration and anger.

"Because it crumbled, the pieces got smashed to dust by whatever is happening inside his mind right now" Castiel answered.

"So you're saying, there is nothing? He's going to be like this until his candle goes out?"

"I'm sorry"

Castiel looks back at Sam, watches as the human's eyes shift, suddenly it hits him, Dean is startled when the Angel suddenly moves from the corner to the bed

"Cas?"

"I have an idea" said Castiel as he sits on the bed, then turns his attention to Sam, "Sam, this may hurt, and If I can't tell you again…I'm sorry"

The Angel then hesitate before leaning down and pressing his lips against Sam's, vaguely is aware of Dean making a sound in the background.

"….Cas?"

His name was said against his lips as he slowly leans back, the voice was clear instead of desperate disbelief, Castiel gives a small smile, Dean will later call it bitter, before placing his hand on the human's head. The feel of the kiss and the sound of a voice is the last of what he'll ever feel and hear for a very long time.

Right now all he sees is Lucifer.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Review Please!<em>**


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